Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
