atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
