So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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