What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
