Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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