is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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