How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
