It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
