just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
