apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
