I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
