He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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