i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
