I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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