I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
