I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Randomize
