You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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