I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What a dumb baby whore.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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