Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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