i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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