i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
