Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
