the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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