ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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