Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
