BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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