And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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