Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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