So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
