i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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