so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
