Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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