I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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