I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
