i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
