guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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