I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
