life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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