ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
