I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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