My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
