I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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