my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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