I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
