But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
