He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
