she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
