She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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