just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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