my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
