I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
