I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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