This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
