The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
