So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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