god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
